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illustration by daniel o'leary Oprah's magazine is quite clear on how to break up with someone: "Let him go, and do it fast," it says sagely. "Slower and kinder never feels better." Even the Oprah-certified Dr. Phil is a fan of the brisk dump. "It might be convenient for me to stay with you for another month or two or three or six," says the role-playing doctor. "That would not be fair to you, so I'm telling you straight up that I'm going to respectfully exit this relationship." So um, Oprah? Is there something you want to tell us? Since the end of The Oprah Winfrey Show in 2011, we've tried to make our relationship work. We named a street after you. You stopped by for an appearance on the The Steve Harvey Show. It looked like we were going to make it. But you've been gradually disappearing, spending more and more time in your California palace. Oh, you haven't said anything offi- cial. "I'm between cities," you say. But avoiding the subject is even more weaselly than breaking up with us on Instagram. And real estate transactions speak louder than words. In 2012, you sold your Lake Shore Drive co-op. You were so eager to dump it, in fact, that you sold it at a $2.8 million loss. Then you put your 56th-f loor Water Tower Place condo up for sale. It comes with three private parking spaces, and you threw it all away. And in March, we heard that you sold Harpo Studios—Harpo!—to a developer. Is Santa Barbara prettier than us? Yes, you tried to pacify us by saying you'd lease Harpo for OWN for a few years, but it's too little, too late. What were we to make of your "The Life You Want Weekend" tour? All through the fall months, you've brought your friends and your wisdom to cities from San Jose, California, to Newark, New Jersey. Chicago wasn't even on the schedule! Not. On. The schedule. Is Newark prettier than us? We tried to move on. We tried on lifestyle guru neophytes Blake Lively, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Pippa Middleton. We seriously considered Rachael Ray. She has the smile, the personality, the show, the magazine, and the relatable weight f luctuation. But are we really going to run out and buy "Rachael's Favorite Things"? No. We aren't. One year she had Dutch stroopwafel on her list. Without you, O, we don't know what to buy, what to read, or what to think. The problem is that you were more than a guru. You were more of a patron saint, and those are hard to come by. And you are Chicago. Chicago is where you shut down Michigan Avenue for the Black Eyed Peas. Chicago is where you went on a date with Roger Ebert. Chicago is where you picked the next president. It's as if the Liberty Bell left Philadelphia and moved to Ohio, saying it needed some "me time." How can you just let it go like this? Can we con- vince you to come back? You want a museum? We'll give you a museum. How about another neighborhood to gentrify? You can have East Garfield Park. Or West whatever. We just want one more chance. We'll start with a weekend and work from there. Yes, you can bring Iyanla too. We'll eat at Table Fifty-Two— our treat!—and then maybe decoupage some vision boards or something. We'll take it slow. And there's always Dr. Phil for some counseling. MA SAY IT AIN'T SO, O! Oprah Winfrey has all but severed her ties to ChiCago. Will We ever be able to give our hearts again? by paige wiser 160 michiganavemag.com Gold coastinG november 2014