Boston Common - Niche Media - A side of Boston that's anything but common.
Issue link: http://digital.greengale.com/i/361673
IllustratIon by DanIel o'leary I see you've decided to visit Boston for some reason. Well, it's a lovely time of year to be here. The autumn leaves are gently falling. There's a crisp chill in the air. The swan boats are molting. What's that, you say? You're driving here? Oh. Huh. Well, that's just swell! As a born and bred Bostonian, let me be the first to say: Get the %&#@ out of my way! Can't you see I'm trying to take a left on red here? Yes, that's legal. Well, if the sign says no right on red, then that obviously implies I can take a left on red. Or continue straight. Duh. I know, I know: It's confusing. The traffic rules are a little different here. Actually, we just sort of make them up as we go. Fun fact: Harvard and MIT were both founded in order to decode Boston-area traffic patterns, which is how early versions of chaos theory and the uncertainty principle came into existence. Let me get you up to speed on Boston traffic rules. Currently, a green traffic light means "go," a red light means "go," a yellow light means "go faster," and a blue light means "stop." Actually, a blue light means "pull over"—that's a cop behind you. Do not use your turn signals here. It's a sign of weakness. Just accept the fact that most streets are one-way and will somehow lead you back to where you started. As for towns to visit, do not drive to Somerville. You will never be seen again and will probably be forced into cannibalism to survive. You could attempt to use GPS, but I would advise against it. The last time I used a GPS device while driving in Boston, the little voice inside it started to weep. When you see a stop sign in Boston, that means "yield." A yield sign means it's a good time to begin digging through your glove compartment for the half-eaten cruller you left there after the Red Sox game last week because you're wicked starving. I hope that's helpful. Bear in mind that these roads you're driving on right now are mostly just cow paths that someone drunkenly paved over after the Civil War. Some other things to consider while visit- ing Boston: A Boston cream pie isn't actually a pie; it's a cake. A Boston fern is a type of fern, as well as a great name for an Irish drag queen. When people complain that they've misplaced their "khakis," it means they've lost their car keys, not their pants. "Chowder" is just a word we made up to annoy you. Speaking of which, there is no such thing as Manhattan clam chowder. That's just a terrible idea. BC Welcome to Boston! Rules of the Road—and beyond—foR all those visiting outsideRs looking to be insideRs. by john kuntz 152 bostoncommon-magazine.com PARTING SHOT Fall 2014